The good news is I can still trust my instincts. There is no bad news actually -- just a new twist in this hunting and gathering game.
At first, 'Ted' seemed promising. He responded quickly to my outeach emails, responding in kind. We exchanged emails and he warned me that as a single dad with kid-care responsibilities he needed to take things slow. Fair warning and since I'm so busy anyway, not a problem.
A first rendezvous at a local restaurant ostensibly for a drink but I needed to eat too. We chatted amiably enough and covered basic ground -- where did you grow up, how many kids (siblings) in your family, tell me about YOUR kids, and so on. (And I digress for a moment to mention the always slightly awkward part for me -- I know if I want to see someone again or not after a coffee. If I don't, I usually say, 'thank you for a nice time', which is always a true statement but is not committing to anything else. If you're a male reading this, here it is from a reasonably intelligent woman: please, please don't think you have to say 'let's do it again' if you don't want to. You are not as good a liar as you may think you are.)
Back to our situation with Ted. We have the fumbly half handshake, half hug good bye (I really must try harder to take matters in hand and either indicate a quick but proper hug is in order, or stick my hand out for a shake if it's feeling like that's more appropriate). "Uh-oh, I know that gesture", I thought to myself. "He's going to either send me an email in a couple of days saying he doesn't think we are a match or he's just not going to respond to my email." Either way, I like to know the score of the game before it ends so I did send the 'hey I don't want to assume/would like to see you if you feel same' light hearted email a couple of days later.
Somewhat to my surprise he responded that he did want to get together again. We agreed to meet for a hike on one of the many lovely, local trails. Again, the amiable chatting. We walked at a good clip -- got some exercise but didn't strain ourselves. Bonus. A meal was in order. We found a few more things in common over dinner and all seemed fairly well considering it was only our second time together in person.
A drive-by-shooting kiss (so quick I didn't see it coming) and a two nano second hug and we parted ways in the parking lot. Here's where my instinct kicked in. One of two things was true: he either really was not that into me or he was just not practiced at relationships. I shrugged it off and sent another quickie email (I can write short emails; this blog is different!) the following week to which he replied (tersely I thought) that he is very busy and doesn't like emails, is more verbal. But again seemed happy to meet again. Even admitted it was a bit of a mixed message.
Okay, then. I was losing interest in him due to his lack of enthusiasm about getting together. And I am getting so good at not taking anything personally and at continuing to reach out to men who seem at least interesting. It is not me, it's them!
A few days later another email arrives. "It pains me to say this....." Uh-oh. "I'm getting back together with my girlfriend; we broke up (a few months ago) but we're going to give it another shot." Ah-ha. Now it all makes sense. He was never over her. Always taking the high road, I replied that I wished him well.
Lessons learned:
I can almost always trust my instincts
As long as I'm true to myself, if who I am is not the person they are attracted to, it's them, not me.
I can't control what's happening in the other person's life
Assume nothing
Clarify everything
(I still think) I'm pretty cool
