I have not heard those words very often, yet I can't seem to get past a first meeting with most men I've met online.
One first meeting was very promising I thought -- pleasant, easy chat during a walk. We even had a snack later. When I asked my date if he usually knows right away that it's a match or not he was quick to assure me that he takes his time. I relaxed thinking that we'd have a second get together to continue to explore the possibilities.
Three days later, the email from him said he didn't think we are a match. He admitted to it being a difficult decision and even offered to talk, but I didn't take the bait. What would be the purpose if he'd already made up his mind.
He is the exception.
The most humorous 'unstatement' came after I met a man at a restaurant near public transit. I was keeping an open mind about having a second meeting; the gentleman wasn't making my heart go pitty-pat but he was pleasant and I was willing. We walked together to the transit hub where we were heading in opposite directions. He suddenly said he had to get home and put his father to bed (it was 6:30 p.m.) and took off like a sprinter to catch his departing vehicle. Wow. I didn't see that coming. The next day he said if I wanted to be just friends and hang out that'd be fine.
Maybe I'm just not savvy at reading the signs. How many ways are there to say We're not a match without actually saying it? What is your experience.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Getting Started
I chose 'Hunting and Gathering' for the title of this blog because I want to explore the idea that men and women have very different motivation and behavior in the world of online dating.
What if men and women approach online dating the way they have fulfilled their roles in community life from the beginning of time? Here's how it would look: men are the hunters. They go out to hunt with the objective of scoring a hit, or making a kill, and they are judged in their value to the community by how welll they do these things. Women are the gatherers -- harvesting and preparing food, tending the homes, keeping safe in relationship with others. If the two roles are applied to online dating, men behave in online dating as if the objective is to score hits, or make a kill, not to be in relationship. Women are the ones looking for relationship. What if?
Of course I'm not a scientist, anthropologist, researcher, and I'm certainly not a man. So I speak from very limited experience. But so far, the men I've met through online dating seem to have a very different approach to success. Universally they speak of how 'overwhelming' the process is, as they sort through all the women who've contacted them. I also have a hunch, and need to research this, that women far outnumber men in online dating; So men have their choice from among a pool, or herd, of potential game. As hunters they want to score hits, pile up the kills, and move on.
I read the articles about online dating, chock full of advice about how to make men crazy about you, how to tell if it's real, 10 things that really bug men, and more. But those articles are written by people who are paid to write articles. I want to hear from real people, men and women, about the differences between the two genders. I want to know why it's so difficult to know what's really going on inside the head of the person across the table. Dating can be hard! Relationship on the other hand, seems relatively easy. I haven't dated since 1986 so I need all the help I can get.
What do you think? Do men and women have different motivation as they enter this strange land of online dating?
Next entry: why is it so hard to just say, 'We're not a match"?
What if men and women approach online dating the way they have fulfilled their roles in community life from the beginning of time? Here's how it would look: men are the hunters. They go out to hunt with the objective of scoring a hit, or making a kill, and they are judged in their value to the community by how welll they do these things. Women are the gatherers -- harvesting and preparing food, tending the homes, keeping safe in relationship with others. If the two roles are applied to online dating, men behave in online dating as if the objective is to score hits, or make a kill, not to be in relationship. Women are the ones looking for relationship. What if?
Of course I'm not a scientist, anthropologist, researcher, and I'm certainly not a man. So I speak from very limited experience. But so far, the men I've met through online dating seem to have a very different approach to success. Universally they speak of how 'overwhelming' the process is, as they sort through all the women who've contacted them. I also have a hunch, and need to research this, that women far outnumber men in online dating; So men have their choice from among a pool, or herd, of potential game. As hunters they want to score hits, pile up the kills, and move on.
I read the articles about online dating, chock full of advice about how to make men crazy about you, how to tell if it's real, 10 things that really bug men, and more. But those articles are written by people who are paid to write articles. I want to hear from real people, men and women, about the differences between the two genders. I want to know why it's so difficult to know what's really going on inside the head of the person across the table. Dating can be hard! Relationship on the other hand, seems relatively easy. I haven't dated since 1986 so I need all the help I can get.
What do you think? Do men and women have different motivation as they enter this strange land of online dating?
Next entry: why is it so hard to just say, 'We're not a match"?
Saturday, June 25, 2011
A Strange Land Indeed
Is it just me or is venturing into online dating akin to visiting a foreign country?
You don't know anyone, you're not exactly sure where you are going, and even if you studied the map you can still run afoul of unwritten rules. Plus there are different cultural norms, and the natives aren't always friendly.
I'm starting this blog because I feel alone in a strange place. I hope my experiences create connection with anyone with a similar story (and presto! I'm not alone anymore) or who has advice on how to navigate these choppy waters. At the very least I'll get to try to work out what's going on -- and if anyone else benefits from it, so much the better.
You don't know anyone, you're not exactly sure where you are going, and even if you studied the map you can still run afoul of unwritten rules. Plus there are different cultural norms, and the natives aren't always friendly.
I'm starting this blog because I feel alone in a strange place. I hope my experiences create connection with anyone with a similar story (and presto! I'm not alone anymore) or who has advice on how to navigate these choppy waters. At the very least I'll get to try to work out what's going on -- and if anyone else benefits from it, so much the better.
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