Dating is Hard -- Relationship is Easy

It's been almost a month since my last post but I've had a busy social calendar, meeting one man 5 times --- my current record!  Let's call him Mr. A.
And met one fellow for the first time, after a couple of phone calls.  He will be Mr. B.
Some interesting insights are popping up as I get to know these two fellas.
I'm learning:
Men can feel isolated and lonely. 
Men too can just want acceptance and respect for who they are as people. 

It just isn't true that any man has only to post a profile and they'll be swamped by women. 
He wonders what I want -- should he put his arm around me while we sit on the sofa?  Should he try to kiss me?
He's lonely and wonders if he will ever meet someone.
He has somewhat specific tastes
He wonders how it came to pass that at his age (late 50's) he finds himself on line, sending and responding to emails, arranging meetings, getting his hopes up that maybe this one will be different, be special, be the one.
Hmmmm.
Eerily similar thoughts to what I'v experienced myself.

Is it true that men and women want the same things?
Mr. B called me a few days after our date...as we chatted he asked if I'd seen Mr. A recently.  "Yes", I replied.  Intending to be completely honest I mentioned that we'd had several dates and were still in the get to know you stage.  (This is completely true but more on that topic in a minute.)
"Hmm", said he.  "How many dates do you need before you know about someone?" 
That's a good question.  I answered as thoughtfully as possible, and in doing so articulated for him (and for myself) that there are really two stages I need to pass through:
First stage happens within the first 30 minutes but for sure by the end of the first date -- do I even want to see this person again to keep a dialogue going?  If yes, then we get to the hard work -- properly understanding what this man is all about, so as to know --- do we have enough ways in which we match?  Does he have enought interests on his own that he doesn't need to depend on me to fill his time?  Can we knit together some kind of new tapestry from our own separate lives and interests?  That's the more difficult one.  What if I like him and he doesn't like me?  Or vice versa? As much as that sounds like a teen age sentiment as I write it, the fact is it feels like a dance that requires we are both in step if it is to make any sense.
I think Mr. B and I will connect again.   We had an easy rapport and good conversation.

Back to Mr. A.  What's up with him?  It turns out we do have several things in common but that we are miles apart on some other interests.  Indeed, I'm trying to understand his perspective but told him that I didn't understand why he didn't just keep looking for someone with those same interests?  Apparently they are hard to find.  Hence the isloation and loneliness.   He doesn't like dating any more than do I.  but how do you skip that step?

The real question remains -- will we have enough in common and are we both interesteed in the possibility of a relationship?  My instinct is that with Mr. A we will end up as friends -- we will not find enough common ground to each step across the gap.  Will reporton this over the next few weeks.

Meanwhile I ponder this new depth of understanding about what it's like to be the hunter.

Disappearing Act

I wish I could see inside people's heads sometimes.
My latest curiosity is a fellow I'll call Bill.
We responded to each other's questions, exchanged personal email addresses and had some good exchanges. He seemed so interested!  Wanted to know all about my work and was positive about all the things we had in common, complimenting my writing style.

A phone call seemed to go well.  We chatted amiably and covered a lot of ground including when to meet.  Dinner was on the agenda....he professed to be a bit of a foodie but assured me that he didn't need fancy places to eat.  I promised, since he was the one driving to me, to research places to eat in my area and report back with options.

Armed with a great recommendation by a trusted friend I reached out to Bill, ready to solidify the time.
I was looking forward to meeting.
His response:  "How about coffee instead of dinner at this first meeting?  Then if we want to we can move to dinner."  It wasn't that he preferred coffee that threw me off base.  It was that he downgraded our meeting to coffee after clearly signing up for dinner.  I don't want to overthink things but I am positive that I understood dinner.  Sigh.

Okay, coffee it is.  Let's meet at the local gourmet coffee place.
The next day I received another surprising response..."I forgot I have a meeting at 4 p.m. followed by Bible Study.  Can we meet one day later?"  Well, goodness.  I realize that there are calendar challenged people, and I have had my own transgressions with dates and times and events.  So who am I to criticize someone when it happens TO me, instead of me as the cause?  Still, what if I wasn't free?  In fact I had another potential commitment on the day he proposed but it wasn't solid (that's another post!) so I agreed to the date change.
Still looking forward to meeting Bill as he had seemed like a good enough bet for a pleasant cup of coffee.

Then came the final blow, the day of the intended meeting.
"I've caught a cold of all things.  I'm going to stay home and take care of myself.  Maybe we can meet another time."  Bill

Okay, wiser minds than mine:  How intent on meeting does this person seem to be?  No mention of let's talk in a couple days to pick another time.  No 'warm regards' as had been the case earlier.  Suddenly all the promise of Saturday night's phone call was shrunk to a postage stamp size of possibility by Thursday.

Trying to take the high road while balancing irritation, confusion and curiosity, I sent another email professing my uncertainty that he wanted to meet at all.  Confirming that he didn't owe me a thing, I offered my intuition that the jets were cooling quickly.  Could he please let me know what he thinks of my impression?
That was Thursday.  Today is Tuesday.  Not a peep.  Is he a coward?  A cad? I can't tell you because I didn't even get far enough to hazard a guess.  What he is however, is off my list and someone about whom I'm not going to spend any more time wondering.

Still, I'm mighty curious:  did he think he was being smooth?  Did he think I couldn't telll the difference between Saturday and Thursday?  Why not just say, "I've changed my mind and prefer not to meet after all."
Does anyone say that?

Next time, three dates in one week....with the same guy.