Dating is Hard -- Relationship is Easy

It's been almost a month since my last post but I've had a busy social calendar, meeting one man 5 times --- my current record!  Let's call him Mr. A.
And met one fellow for the first time, after a couple of phone calls.  He will be Mr. B.
Some interesting insights are popping up as I get to know these two fellas.
I'm learning:
Men can feel isolated and lonely. 
Men too can just want acceptance and respect for who they are as people. 

It just isn't true that any man has only to post a profile and they'll be swamped by women. 
He wonders what I want -- should he put his arm around me while we sit on the sofa?  Should he try to kiss me?
He's lonely and wonders if he will ever meet someone.
He has somewhat specific tastes
He wonders how it came to pass that at his age (late 50's) he finds himself on line, sending and responding to emails, arranging meetings, getting his hopes up that maybe this one will be different, be special, be the one.
Hmmmm.
Eerily similar thoughts to what I'v experienced myself.

Is it true that men and women want the same things?
Mr. B called me a few days after our date...as we chatted he asked if I'd seen Mr. A recently.  "Yes", I replied.  Intending to be completely honest I mentioned that we'd had several dates and were still in the get to know you stage.  (This is completely true but more on that topic in a minute.)
"Hmm", said he.  "How many dates do you need before you know about someone?" 
That's a good question.  I answered as thoughtfully as possible, and in doing so articulated for him (and for myself) that there are really two stages I need to pass through:
First stage happens within the first 30 minutes but for sure by the end of the first date -- do I even want to see this person again to keep a dialogue going?  If yes, then we get to the hard work -- properly understanding what this man is all about, so as to know --- do we have enough ways in which we match?  Does he have enought interests on his own that he doesn't need to depend on me to fill his time?  Can we knit together some kind of new tapestry from our own separate lives and interests?  That's the more difficult one.  What if I like him and he doesn't like me?  Or vice versa? As much as that sounds like a teen age sentiment as I write it, the fact is it feels like a dance that requires we are both in step if it is to make any sense.
I think Mr. B and I will connect again.   We had an easy rapport and good conversation.

Back to Mr. A.  What's up with him?  It turns out we do have several things in common but that we are miles apart on some other interests.  Indeed, I'm trying to understand his perspective but told him that I didn't understand why he didn't just keep looking for someone with those same interests?  Apparently they are hard to find.  Hence the isloation and loneliness.   He doesn't like dating any more than do I.  but how do you skip that step?

The real question remains -- will we have enough in common and are we both interesteed in the possibility of a relationship?  My instinct is that with Mr. A we will end up as friends -- we will not find enough common ground to each step across the gap.  Will reporton this over the next few weeks.

Meanwhile I ponder this new depth of understanding about what it's like to be the hunter.

Disappearing Act

I wish I could see inside people's heads sometimes.
My latest curiosity is a fellow I'll call Bill.
We responded to each other's questions, exchanged personal email addresses and had some good exchanges. He seemed so interested!  Wanted to know all about my work and was positive about all the things we had in common, complimenting my writing style.

A phone call seemed to go well.  We chatted amiably and covered a lot of ground including when to meet.  Dinner was on the agenda....he professed to be a bit of a foodie but assured me that he didn't need fancy places to eat.  I promised, since he was the one driving to me, to research places to eat in my area and report back with options.

Armed with a great recommendation by a trusted friend I reached out to Bill, ready to solidify the time.
I was looking forward to meeting.
His response:  "How about coffee instead of dinner at this first meeting?  Then if we want to we can move to dinner."  It wasn't that he preferred coffee that threw me off base.  It was that he downgraded our meeting to coffee after clearly signing up for dinner.  I don't want to overthink things but I am positive that I understood dinner.  Sigh.

Okay, coffee it is.  Let's meet at the local gourmet coffee place.
The next day I received another surprising response..."I forgot I have a meeting at 4 p.m. followed by Bible Study.  Can we meet one day later?"  Well, goodness.  I realize that there are calendar challenged people, and I have had my own transgressions with dates and times and events.  So who am I to criticize someone when it happens TO me, instead of me as the cause?  Still, what if I wasn't free?  In fact I had another potential commitment on the day he proposed but it wasn't solid (that's another post!) so I agreed to the date change.
Still looking forward to meeting Bill as he had seemed like a good enough bet for a pleasant cup of coffee.

Then came the final blow, the day of the intended meeting.
"I've caught a cold of all things.  I'm going to stay home and take care of myself.  Maybe we can meet another time."  Bill

Okay, wiser minds than mine:  How intent on meeting does this person seem to be?  No mention of let's talk in a couple days to pick another time.  No 'warm regards' as had been the case earlier.  Suddenly all the promise of Saturday night's phone call was shrunk to a postage stamp size of possibility by Thursday.

Trying to take the high road while balancing irritation, confusion and curiosity, I sent another email professing my uncertainty that he wanted to meet at all.  Confirming that he didn't owe me a thing, I offered my intuition that the jets were cooling quickly.  Could he please let me know what he thinks of my impression?
That was Thursday.  Today is Tuesday.  Not a peep.  Is he a coward?  A cad? I can't tell you because I didn't even get far enough to hazard a guess.  What he is however, is off my list and someone about whom I'm not going to spend any more time wondering.

Still, I'm mighty curious:  did he think he was being smooth?  Did he think I couldn't telll the difference between Saturday and Thursday?  Why not just say, "I've changed my mind and prefer not to meet after all."
Does anyone say that?

Next time, three dates in one week....with the same guy.

I Knew It...

The good news is I can still trust my instincts.  There is no bad news actually -- just a new twist in this hunting and gathering game.

At first, 'Ted' seemed promising.  He responded quickly to my outeach emails, responding in kind.  We exchanged emails and he warned me that as a single dad with kid-care responsibilities he needed to take things slow.  Fair warning and since I'm so busy anyway, not a problem.

A first rendezvous at a local restaurant ostensibly for a drink but I needed to eat too.  We chatted amiably enough and covered basic ground -- where did you grow up, how many kids (siblings) in your family, tell me about YOUR kids, and so on.  (And I digress for a moment to mention the always slightly awkward part for me -- I know if I want to see someone again or not after a coffee.  If I don't, I usually say, 'thank you for a nice time', which is always a true statement but is not committing to anything else.  If you're a male reading this, here it is from a reasonably intelligent woman:  please, please don't think you have to say 'let's do it again' if you don't want to.  You are not as good a liar as you may think you are.)

Back to our situation with Ted.  We have the fumbly half handshake, half hug good bye (I really must try harder to take matters in hand and either indicate a quick but proper hug is in order, or stick my hand out for a shake if it's feeling like that's more appropriate).  "Uh-oh, I know that gesture", I thought to myself.  "He's going to either send me an email in a couple of days saying he doesn't think we are a match or he's just not going to respond to my email."  Either way, I like to know the score of the game before it ends so I did send the 'hey I don't want to assume/would like to see you if you feel same'  light hearted email a couple of days later.

Somewhat to my surprise he responded that he did want to get together again.  We agreed to meet for a hike on one of the many lovely, local trails.  Again, the amiable chatting.  We walked at a good clip -- got some exercise but didn't strain ourselves.  Bonus.  A meal was in order.  We found a few more things in common over dinner and all seemed fairly well considering it was only our second time together in person.

A drive-by-shooting kiss (so quick I didn't see it coming) and a two nano second hug and we parted ways in the parking lot.  Here's where my instinct kicked in.  One of two things was true:  he either really was not that into me or he was just not practiced at relationships.  I shrugged it off and sent another quickie email (I can write short emails; this blog is different!) the following week to which he replied (tersely I thought) that he is very busy and doesn't like emails, is more verbal.  But again seemed happy to meet again.  Even admitted it was a bit of a mixed message. 

Okay, then.  I was losing interest in him due to his lack of enthusiasm about getting together.  And I am getting so good at not taking anything personally and at continuing to reach out to men who seem at least interesting.  It is not me, it's them!

A few days later another email arrives.  "It pains me to say this....." Uh-oh.  "I'm getting back together with my girlfriend; we broke up (a few months ago) but we're going to give it another shot."  Ah-ha.  Now it all makes sense.  He was never over her.   Always taking the high road, I replied that I wished him well. 

Lessons learned:
I can almost always trust my instincts
As long as I'm true to myself, if who I am is not the person they are attracted to, it's them, not me.
I can't control what's happening in the other person's life
Assume nothing
Clarify everything
(I still think) I'm pretty cool

No New News

I haven't written for awhile but not because I've been dating.
Far from it.
I'm still working on having a man want to meet me.
I did have one meeting -- a cup of coffee at a place -- but it was little more than listening to the gentleman describe his efforts to start his own business.  He is certainly passionate about it for which I give him much credit.  He is also about 5 years older looking than his photo gracing his profile.  Sigh.

What I can't figure out is what goes on in the mind of a man (perhaps I'm not meant to) when he decides whether he wants to meet or not.  I've exchanged emails and a couple of phone calls with one man, who while giving every indication that he wants to meet me has continued to be elusive and noncommittal about when and where.  Guys, if you aren't interested a polite "No thanks" is fine with me.  In fact it's easier to deal with -- cleaner, no fuss no muss.  I don't expect even a fraction of the men online will think I'm a match for them.  But I was hoping that a fraction of a fraction might be willing to meet for a 30 minute cup of coffee.  Instead I get one of the following reactions:

• No reaction or response whatsoever -- the norm
• A polite 'no thanks' -- helpful but rare
• An indication that a meeting would be good, then either nothing (one guy cancelled our meeting 15 minutes after we were supposed to meet then never tried to connect again) or as I am dealing with now -- a guy who is either very shy, not ready to meet, or is hiding something

One thing I'm realizing is that having a healthy dose of self esteem, and telling the truth about one's intentions, are key to keeping positive.  If I needed a man's interest in me to judge my worth I'd be in a bit of a pickle right now.  

I had some professional photos taken last week and should receive the final versions in the next day or two.  Not to count too heavily on the power of the visual, I think these will put me in the best light.  My current photos are casual == a hike, on vacation, with my dog -- and perhaps do not show me in my best light.  While I am clear that I am not highly attractive I think I'm pleasant looking and count my smile as one of my best features.  So I'm always a bit miffed with men who don't post photos as I think it means they are either hiding something, can't be bother, or ashamed of their looks in which case why would I want to meet them?

I soldier on, with perhaps an inflated hope that my new photos will spark some interest.

Is 'Never Married' a Clue?

It's been a few weeks since my last post but not much has changed.
The latest is one guy who has lost interest before we've even met -- so it's getting worse.  At least in prior cases, we had a meeting.

My man of the day is someone who started out very promising.  Complimented my smile, replied pretty quickly to a couple of emails, and seemed to want to meet.  Then on an IM chat he got very, um, racy and graphic.  It was kind of appealing but surprising because well, I'm usually in some sort of a committed relationship with someone before we hit that stage.  Then the double entendre emails "It was hard this morning"...then referring to going back to work on a Monday.  That was one of the playful ones.  The rest were pretty graphic.  He claimed it was just who he is and that play is important to him in a relationship.  That's fine with me -- I'm just used to at least having met in person once before going there.

My first clue this wasn't really going anywhere -- I offered to talk on the phone until such time as we could connect in person.  (I was traveling on business quite a bit for a couple of weeks).  His response?  He sent a photo of lady undies saying these are the kind I like.  I played along thinking, keep an open mind, girl, and just go with it. 

It seemed like we'd finally meet in person, but 15 minutes past our appointed time the email comes through, "Stuck in traffic, can't make it really sorrry going home."  Sigh.  Okay no big deal -- it happens.  I replied okay, talk later, thinking he would connect at some point that evening to rebook.  That was Wednesday, this is Saturday.  Nada.  He had time to go online to the dating site though. 

I get it -- he lost interest.  Would it have been so difficult to just say, "Ya know, I don't think we're a match"? especially after all the other breathtakingly frank things he said in email and on one IM chat.  Now, nothing.  Is there a reason he's 'never been married'?
I am still clueless about this whole process.   
Someone enlighten me....please.

Hunting a Hunter

Besides keeping an open heart and open mind, I've been trying to figure out this strange new place I've dropped into -- the territory called online dating. 

I'm trying to operate like a local, not a tourist.  I want to get the lay of the land, not have to keep guessing at a set of rules -- some of which are likely unwritten.  The men seem to know the rules -- but I don't know about the women.  Or maybe it's that each gender has its own set of rules but have not exchanged information.

Perhaps my profile is unclear or unhelpful.  I am honest in my choices of interests, photos, and what's important to me and I don't expect to attract every man -- that would be silly.  I would prefer to not waste anyone's time -- I'm looking for quality not quantity.  But in the few meetings I've had so far, the men seemed to change their minds pretty quickly and not want another meeting.  I accept that but am puzzled.  It's like I'm still looking for the secret password. 

What are these men, these hunters, after?  I am so curious.

I've been on one site for six months.  I noticed that most men who received a request from me to connect don't respond at all.  It's neither a 'yes' nor is it a 'no'.  A few do close or end the connection and I prefer that because at least I know where I stand with them.  It's the ones who don't respond, (even though they are in their account almost daily) that baffle me.  Does it mean they'll get to me when they get to me?  They must have a lot of women in the queue to not respond for a month.  How long should I leave the request for connection before closing it?  I used to wait two weeks, but lately that seems hasty.  What's reasonable? 
I'm open to suggestions.

For the past six months, I've only been on one site -- it does take a lot of time to properly monitor a profile.  But how do I know I'm on the best site for me? 
After a bit of searching, I found 'the five best online dating sites for 2011', which you can link to here:
http://www.consumer-rankings.com/dating/

How many are you familiar with?  I will try at least one of these other sites, in the spirit of research, and report back on my results.

NEW! Weigh in with your opinion about the effectiveness of online dating

This blog is evolving on its own, kind of like writing does.  The writer puts pen (or keystroke) to page, begins writing but quickly can lose control of the direction in which the words travel.

So it goes with this blog.  I realize I need to provide more if I'm offering this in public...more information, more suggestions, more 'best practices' for success at online dating.  Thoughts are shouldering each other out of the way to be expressed. 

One new idea is to poll readers...that would be you.   What is your experience of online dating, either directly or indirectly?  Do you know someone or are you yourself traveling in this foreign country as I refer to it?  Take the poll during July.  I'll publish the results at the end of the month.